Daric's Diary: Jaded Love
- Dec 13, 2017
- 2 min read
As he said hello, I didn’t know if he wanted NSA (no strings attached) or LTR (long term relationship). So, I was dry and tried to feel him out to see where things would go. Little did I know the path I was paving for myself. By not fully opening up because of a precedent set by failed romantic encounters that had left me jaded to love. But what is so bad that has left me not knowing how to genuinely love another?
Being gay is hard, add being a black gay male and they target on your back is even bigger. You look to belong and find your place, because of this you fall hard. You fall for the boy that was your first kiss in an arcade after seeing a movie. You fall for the boy that tells you he’ll be there for you no matter what but then leaves. You fall for the boy that’s DL (down-low — in the closet) who comes out to his parents and they force him to break up with you. You start to question yourself after this, but continue to open your heart. You fall for the upperclassmen that’s in an “open” relationship, that treats you like a doormat. Coming to you to unload their baggage as needed and leaving you alone in the cold. You remain positive and end up dating the man of your dreams. You move in together and things are going great. But the dream becomes a nightmare as he begins to step out on you. You think something is up, but say “he wouldn’t do me like that”. Until one night when you tell him you’re not in the mood, and he pins you down because “... you don’t tell daddy no”. You wise up, and leave, but to find out you now have HIV. You are now broken, completely lost all faith in love. Now you feel like you are damaged goods, and that no one will ever love you. It’s takes time for you to heal and even try to open back up to someone. You eventually do and it ultimately ends with his parents not wanting him to be with someone that is HIV positive. They tell him to “handle that” —- like what does that even mean?! Well, it turned out to be a threat if he didn’t leave. So, he leaves, because that’s just the way life goes. Now, does it makes sense why I’m not sure about love anymore.
I love myself enough to look back and say these were lessons of what love is NOT. But still I take caution, as I’m not sure if I can handle any more hurt. From my experiences, I feel this is a cursed cycle that comes with dating in the LGBT community. I just pray I find the one person that can change this belief.
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